Stuck in Your Relationship? Do This to Break the Pattern

Welcome to the Paul Vette podcast for high performers who know 90 percent is not an option. Are you stuck in your relationship? Then do this. Super hook, of course, but a relationship is complex. It lives, it moves. And I asked you what you wanted help with. I got a lot of questions about relationships, so I'm going to start a series about relationships. It's fairly simple at its core and we make it complex. One of the questions was mainly about 'hey, I'm stuck in my relationship'. And they don't mean 'hey, I want to leave', although they have doubts about that. I spoke with several people. It's about a rut developing, a kind of pattern that gets ingrained, turning it into a kind of trench and you actually can't get out of this pattern anymore. And that's really killing for your relationship. The most important thing to realize is if nothing changes, if you don't do anything different from what you're doing now, then it will stay this way. And why is this extremely important? Because you're only watching this video because you're stuck. That means you haven't gotten moving yet. And that means your desire for a better relationship isn't big enough and the pain isn't big enough either. The most powerful work then is to increase the pain. So just imagine that you would continue this way for the coming year, the next 2 years, the next 5 or even 15 years. Just imagine that it trundles along this way, that the rut just continues like this. That you keep getting older and older and older and your partner too. And it just stays this way. Why is that important? Because somewhere you need an external source of motivation to get moving, to do something different than what you're doing now. Because what you're doing now, that's not working. You might say 'yes but maybe there's still something that can change'. 'Hey to say it'. No, you have to do something different. You really have to change. You really have to take the minimal small action that you dare to take to interrupt the pattern. If you make that decision now, then I'm going to give you some tips for that now. Make that decision now. It's important to say okay, yes, I'm going for it, because I don't want to sit in this relationship like this for the next 15 years'. And then you have another choice to make. So if you look and you have the feeling 'I'm stuck in the relationship' and you're wondering whether the relationship wouldn't work better when it's over. That you move to a different kind of relationship with each other. As friends or acquaintances or as exes, doesn't matter. But you have to make a decision that if you want to give it another chance, that you go for it 100 percent. And not halfway, not thinking 'yeah you know, I'll do it'. That doesn't work. That will never work. You have to agree with yourself 'okay, I'm going for it and then it works very well to attach a deadline to that for your brain. Because otherwise your brain doesn't want to at all. So if you make that decision, then you say now okay I'm going for it 100 percent for the next 3 months. What are 3 months compared to the 15 years of the coming rut? Or longer, right? Because maybe you'll be stuck with your partner for the rest of your life and I hope you'll last longer than 15 years. So make that decision and say then okay I'm going for it 100 percent, in other words you do everything and yes there's a voice saying yes I need the other person too. Nonsense, you have to change and you'll notice that the moment you change something in yourself that the other person automatically does something different too. That's inherent to the rut you're in. As soon as you start behaving differently the other person will behave differently too. So important, you make the decision, 3 months going 100 percent for the relationship. And the pain has to be big enough or your desire has to be big enough. And after 3 months you make the choice again, and am I going another 3 months full throttle for the full 100 percent or is it just over then? That's also possible. And it could be that when you think about that, that you now think there will be 3 months of fighting, that's how it can feel right, and then it's over, then the relationship is over and that gives so much relief that that's also information. Okay, how can you break this rut? You'll have to start asking your partner questions that you might find a bit scary to ask. But when you continue like this nothing changes. What's a very powerful question to just ask out of the blue and not when you're both busy with something, really when you're sitting together and have attention for each other. Then you ask the other person: 'Hey, what do you actually think I could do better as your partner?' And then it's definitely up to the other person to calibrate for a moment of hey, what's happening here and do I dare to give an honest answer to that? Because they'll be a bit searching for a moment, like the image now. A bit wow, what's happening? But then, if that person starts giving an honest answer, then it's your task to listen. I'm deliberately saying it a bit bossily, because your ego wants to go on the defensive. Because you're asking about something you can do better, in other words something you think you're doing wrong. And the other person will probably also say it in a perhaps not too subtle way. Or maybe you hope that person does that for once, that they throw everything out for once. That's also possible, but I'll come back to that. But then you listen to what that person has to say and then you check with yourself. Do I want to change that? Yes or no? If it's yes, then you say 'yes, I recognize that about myself. I'm going to work on that'. Then that's the second check you have to do. Okay, can you change that? If you think well I can do that, you work on it for a month. You ask this question every month, around the first of the month. That's handy as a memory aid. And when you do that, if you work on it and you notice I can't do it, ask your partner for help. Yes, that's really gold, because you involve your partner in it. And on the other hand you also show that you take it seriously. And because the other person also feels heard and seen they think 'hey this works'. He or she asked something of me and suddenly there's change, something's happening. And you know what's nice about that question? You kind of put the other person in debt as it were, because that person is allowed to have an opinion about you. What's nice then, they'll probably ask you the question themselves too. You should be prepared for that. Okay, what are you going to say to the other person like 'Well, I would appreciate it'. Don't immediately come with the whole list. I once did that with a business partner, it never came right again. Back then we also agreed like 'Hey, let's tell each other what we think the other should do better'. Yeah, I had 2 pages and he was unprepared. He thought 'yeah, I have a point'. Whole list and never came right again. That doesn't work. So do this step by step and that works best anyway when you're already stuck. Every smallest step that gets you moving and therefore also gets your relationship moving is already great. So just think of something simple for yourself that makes you think 'hey, if my partner did that, I would really appreciate that'. And then if you have multiple things just choose something where you know 'okay that person might find that a bit difficult, but it's not immediately his or her most difficult problem'. No, just choose something that makes you think, hey that person can also work on that, that would be nice. You might also know that person wants to change that themselves. Yes, and I also have these kinds of conversations with my wife. And believe me, a relationship is just continuing to work. I don't do this in the very best way either. In the sense of yeah, then I think of something and then I don't bring it subtly enough. Or I bring something that I know, yeah, she doesn't really want to change that. Or she asks something of me and then my ego still goes kind of on the defensive. That's just difficult, right. I'm not flawless and perfect at this either. So also know that it's also just tuning in. But it's your partner who you love if things are good. But I'll come back to that too. If you're going to do this, so you just simply ask the question: 'Hey what can I do better as your partner?' And then you listen. And if you're afraid that person will come with a whole list and say 'Hey do maximum 2 things'. To kind of build in a reserve before you get overwhelmed. And you just consciously work on that and you've thought yourself about what you tell the other person. And that person works on it and a month later you just check again. Or 2 weeks later if you're going full throttle for 3 months, 2 weeks later you check in again: 'Hey, what can I do better now as your partner? Because I did this and this and this with what you told me.' Or after 2 weeks you say: 'I can't do it, can you help me?' Or hey, I can't do it, but I've enlisted help from that person. So show that you're working on it too. Because the moment you take it seriously, then the other person will take it seriously too. That's it, just ask that every month. Besides that it's super smart to know the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, physical touch and acts of service. Those are them. You can just look them up, they're written about everywhere, 5 love languages. But what's interesting now? Let me give you this example. There was once a couple and they ended up with a mediator, because they thought yeah, we're getting divorced, so we need to fix that through a mediator. But the mediator said 'hey do you know the 5 love languages'. They didn't know them. Well, she read that booklet and what turned out? Well, that man just worked nine-to-five or nine-to-six or sometimes even longer. But he always came home tired in the evening and in the morning he was already gone early. And when he stepped inside he called out: 'Honey, I'm home.' Honey, I'm home. And then he stepped inside and then his wife called from the kitchen. Okay honey, just sit down, I've put a bottle of beer on the table, just sit down, feet up, I'll come to you with the food in a moment. That was it and he sat on the couch and she kept cooking. But what turned out? He thought Jesus I worked all day, worked hard for our family, did all kinds of things. And then I come home and I don't even get a kiss and a hug. And she thought yeah then I give him that beer and then he sits there. And then he comes to sit at the table and then he's not even happy that I cooked for him. He does give me a kiss, but he's so absent. Now they've fixed it because they discovered that he just really wanted that kiss and that hug, physical touch. And she just wanted to be affirmed about the fact that she was cooking. Because then she felt loved. Very simple. So now they've turned it around, he steps inside and says 'honey, I'm home'. And then he walks through to the kitchen. Very simple. 'And there's no beer ready either, right? No.' He walks to the kitchen, she turns the heat down for a moment. A kiss and a hug, just for a moment, connection. Yes, mini quality time for each other. And half the time then the woman still continues cooking. And he sits down, sometimes takes a beer with him, sometimes not. Then he sits comfortably on the couch and it's all good and then he's also super happy when he sits at the table and then he radiates that too. And other times then they cook together. And it's completely worked out, because, and that's the interesting thing, the 5 love languages, the love language you dominantly give, that's probably also the one you like to receive. But that doesn't have to be the case for the other person. So it could be that you really like to touch the other person, but that the other person would prefer to just get a little gift once a month. It can't really be like that, but the moment you never give him a gift while he feels through that 'hey she loves me'. In this example then. And you suddenly do that. Just once a month you put it in your calendar, because you don't like gifts at all, but once a month you get a calendar item. Yes, buy a gift. Well, you think about it a bit all month. Well a gift, small gift. He notices and he feels she loves me. But he gives you gifts and you think yeah, what should I do with those gifts? I just want a kiss and a hug, because then I feel, he loves me. If you turn that around and you do that for each other, suddenly you both get the feeling again that there's love. That you love each other. And that can happen by building in small things. And of course you can say, yes but it doesn't suit me to touch the other person a lot. You're not doing it for yourself in the sense of hey I'm doing it for me because I like it. No, you're doing it for the other person and for your relationship and that's ultimately also for yourself. We're just sometimes too selfish in the relationship. If you know that your partner really wants something and that person feels loved because of it, then you do that. And it really doesn't have to be 3 times a day. No, just once every so often. And yes, I know the voice, yes but if I do that then it feels a bit forced. That's right, because in the beginning you do it consciously because you know it works. You could even call it manipulative, but ultimately that also becomes your own. That takes a while, but ultimately it's in there. And then you'll enjoy it, because you notice the other person's reaction. And that makes you happy, because you love the other person. 5 love languages. Look them up, discuss them with each other. Hey honey, we're going to do a little exercise. Are you at it again with that exercise? So what? It advances your relationship. That's just short. 5 love languages. Give each other 5 or 10 minutes to write it down. What's number 1 for you to give, what's number 1 for you to receive. You write it down, the other person too and then you talk about it with each other. You could also add a third exercise where you write down what you think 'this applies to my partner'. That you also write that down in advance. Then you can see that you might also be wrong about each other. And be honestly gold about that. If you just want more touch, yes say that, because that's the dominant love language. But then you also have a kind of substantiation with it. Work with that. Have that conversation too. Dare to have that conversation. Just do it, because otherwise you'll be in the same relationship for the next 15 years and you don't want that. Okay, another model is very simple. How is it now in your relationship? That's just really, really important to know for yourself. You can also ask your partner. That's probably the most nerve-wracking thing to do. But especially for yourself. A relationship consists of 3 parts. Love, how much do you love each other? Then the relationship, how do you arrange practical things with each other? Who does the dishes? Who takes care of the plants? Who takes out the trash? Who does chores? Who does this? How do you deal with each other practically? How do you arrange it if you have children? Who picks them up from school? How does all that work? Love, relationships, that includes chores. How do you arrange it practically? And sex or intimacy. So there's more to that than just sex. It also has to do with having in-depth conversations, for example, or that hug. You understand yourself what falls under that. And then I want you to do this, and if possible, just write it down for a moment. Give a number between 0 and 10, where 0 is not at all and 10 is completely, really 100 percent. How much do you love your partner? Between 0 and 10. How much do you love your partner? Everything is fine, right? You don't have to share it with me either. You can if you like. How is the relationship arranged? How do you deal with each other practically? Do you always have trouble with timing and calendars and those kinds of things and chores? And do things get left undone? And do you also irritate each other in that? That number between 0 and 10. How is the relationship? How do you relate to each other? And then intimacy/sex. 0 is super bad. 10 is super good. Note, some people make a mistake here sometimes. The absence of, for example, sex doesn't mean it's automatically a 0. Because if 2 people in a relationship are together who just have very little need for intimacy, so that works fantastically for both of them, then intimacy can be low in the relationship, but high in terms of how good it feels for you. I'll record another video about that another time, because there's also a piece of insecurity and security in this. So I'm not going to elaborate on that now. Just the numbers for now. Then you have 3 numbers. How much do you love each other? How is the relationship arranged? And how is intimacy and sex arranged? Then people might think okay, if you add up those numbers. For example, you have 'you love each other a lot', an 8. The relationship is sometimes, well, hassle practically speaking, 6. Usually people don't dare to just give a low number. So then they say 'yeah, it's a six'. So you have to check with yourself too. Are you really honest or did you give it a six because you want it to be a pass somewhere. 8 plus 6, 14. And then intimacy, yeah that's a bit less at the moment. But still, right? Honestly a 4. Well, you have 18 points, you could still divide by 3. Well then you're sitting at that six. That you think, it's okay, it's not really your thing yet. But the point is, you've now given 3 numbers and your relationship is only as good as the lowest point you've given. The weakest link. So in my example a 4. It's the same for you. Maybe you gave a 3 somewhere and high numbers on both other points. That you think yeah 8, 8, 3, that's all not too bad. No, that's not okay. You just have a bad relationship. And that's just information. That's completely okay. The moment you think yeah it's a six and it's all okay, then you also don't have the tendency to get moving. But the moment you now realize 'shit it's just a 3 at the moment'. Then there's really work to be done. It's really super important to realize that and that's the first point I made. You have to get moving by increasing the pain. What if this continues? You've now been able to give a number for your relationship through this model. What number do you want your relationship to be? You can also ask your partner these numbers and discuss it. But that's more nerve-wracking than asking the question: hey, what can I do better as your partner?' We talked about the 5 love languages. But the most important thing is: get moving. So whatever step you take is good. Every step you take is good. It's extremely important to agree with yourself that you're definitely going to take a step. And if you notice that you're not taking a step, then you have to make the step smaller until it's so small that you might even think, yeah but that won't make any difference? That's nonsense. Because the moment you do take a small step, then you get moving. And once you're moving, then something happens that will cause you to start getting out of this rut. That always starts with a small step. That doesn't immediately start with relationship therapy or immediately with a fight and packing bags and saying: 'Hey, I'm going to live there for a week'. No, it never starts with that. Then it's already gone too far. You can just take a small step and that means just finding each other again, having the conversations you need to have and finding tools that can help you. Definitely let me know when you say: 'Hey Paul, I'm explicitly running into this in the relationship, I'll never share it like you've also noticed now, I haven't mentioned names. Definitely let me know that, then I can also record a video specifically about such an example and maybe also come up with other tools. Because those little models that I'm now applying, that just works really well. Because then you get a tool that you can literally work with too. Where your brain thinks yeah, well then at least I know what I can do. And also for the other person, for your partner it's not just 'hey it's a feeling' or 'it's an idea'. Speaking of which, if you're going to ask this question, what can I do better as your partner, it's extremely important to always validate the other person's feeling. That doesn't mean that person is right in what they say, but the feeling is always right. Because that's what that person feels. That's extremely important. So the moment someone says something 'yeah I feel that it's just that way' you think of everything 'yeah but that's not true because because because because because'. Yeah then you have to push all that aside and say 'how awful that you feel that way'. With that you validate the other person's feeling. With that you don't validate that the person is automatically right, but then you find connection. I think the video has become long enough. For now, what I'm saying is, if you have questions for me based on this, ask me in whatever way. Can be under the video or send me an email. Just go to the website Paulvet dot com and send a message. The moment you have questions, ask them. That's already getting moving. Because then you know, hey, I'm doing something about it. And then I'll come with an answer or with a video and get to work with this. Definitely let me know what this has done for you. That can also be anonymous, but preferably just under the video of course. Because as I said, I'm really not perfect in the relationship either. It's always a work in progress and both my wife and I do our best to keep finding each other in this. And yeah, that's not black and white. Good luck. --- This transcript has been translated from Dutch.