Why Conscious Behavior Change Fails (And What Works Instead)

Welcome to the Paul Vette podcast. A podcast about leadership, mindset and hypnosis. Enjoy listening. This is the reason why when you consciously want to change something, it actually just doesn't work. But when you do it unconsciously, it does. You know them. Those people, I know fewer and fewer of them, but I'm amazed they still exist, those people who smoke. And you know them, they smoke and then they say to you, yes, but I'm going to quit. And then you think, good for you, because that's the twentieth time you've said that. But then you say that to this person too and then they say no, no, this time for real. Then you see them pumping themselves up full of determination. No, this time I'm really going to succeed. You think we'll see about that, but supporter that you are, you think well, I'm going to support you. Then they've quit for 24 hours and then you ask, how's it going? Then they say, yes, I've quit for 24 hours and it's really going in the right direction. And you see them pumping themselves up even harder. Because most people don't even last 24 hours. But then, then they've quit for 48 hours and then they manage it and then they break through a certain barrier. And what is that barrier? Smoking, that provided those people with something positive on an unconscious level. Because otherwise they wouldn't do it, because you start to smell, you die earlier and it costs an incredible amount of money. So any sensible person wouldn't smoke. So we just know, smoking provides something positive on an unconscious level. And what happens then when people quit smoking for 24 hours? That thing it provided them, those needs underneath, they start to scream a little bit. Hello, we need to be fulfilled. Hello, they start screaming louder and louder. But then, then they've quit smoking for 48 hours and those needs are really screaming through the whole system for help. Help, we need to be fulfilled. So when someone really perseveres and says, no, I'm really quitting smoking, what happens then? They start eating sweets. In 7 out of 10 cases they start eating sweets. And then they've quit smoking and those needs are no longer fulfilled by smoking, but those needs are then fulfilled by eating sweets. Okay, and then they gain 5 kilos, 1 clothing size and then they look in the mirror and then they think, yes, but I haven't quit smoking long enough yet. So I'll keep eating sweets. But then, a number of weeks, months later, they've gained another 5 kilos, 10 kilos in total, 2 clothing sizes. Then they look in the mirror or something doesn't fit anymore, then they say, okay, now it's over. Now I've quit smoking long enough, now I'm going to eat healthy. And that's interesting, because first those needs were fulfilled by smoking and then by eating, eating sweets. Then they eat healthy. The sweets are gone. Then they pump themselves up again. 'Yes, but I'm going to eat healthy, I'll keep it up.' And those needs start screaming again. And then something happens with stress or chaos or sadness in their life. And then their focus is eating healthy. And what happens then? They start smoking again, because the focus is off quitting smoking, light on eating healthy, that becomes a determined action. I eat healthy, but I do smoke again. And that's the problem when you consciously replace things. The moment you consciously quit smoking, those needs are no longer fulfilled, then you find something else. Because I say 7 out of 10 people eat sweets, 2 out of 10 people start exercising excessively. So then you have those smokers who come to the gym 3 times a week and move around a bit, then they quit smoking, they say yes, but now I'm really really going to train properly. 5 times a week full throttle in the gym, after 6 weeks injury they quit exercising. Those needs were fulfilled by smoking, then by excessive exercising. The exercise falls away. What happens? Stress, sadness, chaos, smoking. And that's why that doesn't work. How then from your unconscious. Because what I always do with everyone in a session, so I always embark on a trajectory, but somewhere during a session, then I make sure we ask the brilliant unconscious, hey, find new ways that provide the same thing as that person's old behavior does. So that old behavior, I'll call it old already, the smoking, that fulfills x. But when that person then fulfills x with multiple ways, if one of those multiple ways also falls away, then there are still multiple ways left and then it just gets fulfilled. And that's a way how you can also change habits. Now it is more difficult when you do it yourself, because look, your unconscious is brilliant. You can see your unconscious as an army of 200,000 people fighting against your conscious brain that stands alone. So if you consciously want to change something and you're going to fight against those 200,000 unconscious people, you're definitely going to lose. If you deploy your unconscious, those 200,000 people, then you win, for sure. How can you do that? Well, with hypnosis. And with hypnosis you also ask your unconscious to fulfill those needs. But you don't know what those needs are. Your conscious doesn't know that, but your unconscious does, so your unconscious can solve that just fine. The problem is when you're going to solve it consciously, you don't know what those needs are that lie underneath. So indeed, people who are going to replace it, who say: hey, yes, I experience stress. Too much stress, okay, sleep better, eat better, meditate better. Those are indeed several things you can replace, but those might not be the most powerful ways and they might not solve the actual problem underneath. So why does someone smoke? Yes, that originated once, because they then have a feeling of self-worth or a feeling of self-love or a feeling of I belong and I'm seen and heard. Could be anything, but that applies to you too. So the behavior you want to get rid of, whether it's procrastination or stress, or not daring to make yourself visible or keeping yourself small or not being able to set boundaries, not being able to take your own space, not being able to determine your own time, not really going for what you want to go for, doesn't matter. Everywhere you want to get away from, yes, so there's a certain need underneath that's fulfilled by that behavior. And then the thing is to investigate for yourself if you don't go to a hypnotherapist, because that works many times faster of course. But if you do it yourself, then you need to discover your negative beliefs, what you believe about yourself, you need to discover that. So what do you believe about yourself that makes you do that negative behavior? The moment you know what you believe about yourself that's not helpful, then you need to turn that story you tell yourself around to something helpful and then you'll notice that the behavior disappears. So the moment you were seen and heard through smoking, the moment you deeply believe inside that you need to be seen and heard by others or that you're never seen by others or that you don't see yourself, one of those stories, then you need to transform that story to 'I see myself for who I am, for what I'm worth'. The moment you tell yourself that story every day in the mirror and you do that for between 21 days and 66 days, then that habit can also change, because suddenly it becomes a habit that you love yourself. And then you tackle it at the core. But know, your unconscious is many times more powerful, so you better put that to work for this. Also when you write down for yourself which stories you believe about yourself that don't help. You reach your unconscious if you take at least 20 minutes for that. So you sit for 20 minutes in silence without distraction with pen and paper, not with screens. And you know for sure you won't be disturbed, so your brain needs to know that too, that you won't be disturbed and you write for longer than 20 minutes about what you believe about yourself in negative form, then after 20 minutes you reach that deeper layer and then you really get to the core. Most people don't even make it 20 minutes. In hypnosis that goes faster by the way of course. So brief summary, the behavior you want to get rid of, that provides you with something positive on an unconscious level. And if you want to change that behavior, you can replace it with a certain way that you say okay, but I'm going to do it that way. Then it might be that you hit the mark and that need is fulfilled. But if you do that through 1 way, then there's a chance that that way will fall away again, Because 1 way, yes, it's just difficult, can often fall away. If you think of multiple ways, the chance that you hit the mark is of course getting smaller and smaller. But anyway, you display behavior, underneath lies a certain need. The only thing you need to do is fulfill those needs in a different way and that behavior falls away. Then the core of your problem isn't solved yet either, because it comes from somewhere and you can investigate that by examining your negative beliefs, the things you believe about yourself, the stories you tell yourself and bending them to something positive. We do all of this of course in a hypnosis trajectory in a number of steps to ensure that the core from your unconscious is also turned around. Then you don't have to be busy with it yourself for days, weeks, maybe even months. But at least then you know how it works and why it doesn't just work to change behavior. Because you can consciously think, I'm not going to do that behavior anymore, because it no longer serves me. Just like smokers say, yes, I smell, it costs money and I'm going to die earlier. But if those 3 reasons aren't sufficient to quit smoking, then you just know okay, something needs to change at the core. And that applies to all behavior you want to get rid of. So do that. Investigate which behavior do I want to get rid of? Which story do I tell myself about that behavior? That aligns with that behavior? So the moment you keep yourself small, don't dare to be great, yes, which story lies underneath, then you change the story to something positive that you do love yourself. Because it's not like yes, I can present myself grandly. No, that's changing behavior from negative to positive. You've tried that for a long time, that doesn't work. No, you need to change the story underneath. So the behavior you display is you keep yourself small. The story you tell yourself is 'I'm not worth it', just to name something. Okay, so then you tell yourself I am worth it. Just a tip, I'm not worth it isn't the deepest story you tell yourself. What aren't you worth? Why aren't you worth it? Try answering those kinds of questions. And then a nice question is okay, how would I behave if I were worth it? And then ultimately you tell yourself that story. I am worth it because of this reason, you've written that down then, then you display that behavior that shows you're worth it and then you believe that new story yourself too. So those are the steps. I'd say, good luck with it, at least then you know your unconscious is brilliant and many times more powerful than your conscious. So also sit in your unconscious to change your behavior or go to a good hypnotherapist. I hope of course that you're doing well. I hope things are going well with your loved ones. And I wish you a beautiful day. Bye. --- This transcript has been translated from Dutch.