Why You Don't Do What You Want: Understanding Hidden Benefits

Welcome to the Paul Vette podcast, a podcast about leadership, mindset and hypnosis. Enjoy listening. You want to show different behaviour from yourself, but it just doesn't come out, you can't manage it. And I'm going to tell you what the reason for that is, how you can figure it out, what you actually need to discover inside yourself at the back end. And once you've discovered that, I'll give you a handy tip on how you can get to work with it to really solve it, so that you can ultimately show behaviour that you do want, that you stand behind, that you think yes, this is who I want to be and this is how I want to stand in the world. And you know, your behaviour leads to action and those actions you perform, they lead to the life you want to live. Just like all the actions up to this point have led to the life you're living now. That's how simple it is, of course. And of course I wish for you that you think: hey, I want to achieve this life and I want to be this person and that you succeed too. That's the only reason I'm making these videos. That's the only reason I do this work, because I wish for you a life where you'll be happiest. Super simple. Why doesn't it happen that when you make something a goal for yourself, you think okay, I want to show this behaviour, but you don't do it. That's because look, at the moment you're not showing the behaviour you want to show, you're automatically showing different behaviour. You can call it procrastination or avoidance behaviour. You might do other things instead. Maybe you freeze and do nothing, but that's behaviour too. So you always have behaviour. There's always something you're doing. So if you decide I want to do A, but you do B, then that comes from, and you might have heard this before, but if you haven't done anything with it yet, then you really need to let it sink in. But if you want to show behaviour A, but you show behaviour B, then that's because behaviour B is more advantageous for you as a person. Not because you consciously want that, but because it's in your unconscious. And then we have to go back again and I'll keep repeating this. Your unconscious, which you're not currently conscious of either, that's why it's called the unconscious, that's 200,000 times stronger than your conscious mind. So imagine that you, well let me give this example, 200,000 Rico Verhoevens fighting against 1 Rico Verhoeven. Well, then you know which army of Rico Verhoevens is in charge. But that's happening continuously inside you too. You have 200,000 little figures of your unconscious against 1 little figure of your conscious. Your conscious can't win, so you can consciously say 'I'm going to show this behaviour', but if your unconscious disagrees, if it wants you to show different behaviour, then your unconscious wins. And sometimes, because I can hear you thinking, yes, but sometimes I do choose something consciously and then I do it, that's right, but then it's in line with what your unconscious wants too. So all you need to do is get those 200,000 little figures inside you to show the behaviour you want. For that you need to discover what is, so to speak, the hidden, because yes, that conscious part of you is unconscious of your unconscious, is the hidden benefit it gives you to show behaviour where you show behaviour B and therefore not behaviour A which is what you actually want to go for. Let me give you a simple example. Someone who says: hey listen, I would like to dare to fly on an aeroplane, because then I can take a nice trip. For example to Canada or Japan or somewhere, to Spain. But if they don't dare to fly, that's because they do fear. They do fear. Fear is also behaviour. You're not afraid. Your identity is something completely different from the fears you experience, which you do. You don't have fear, it's not a thing, because then you carry it with you and if it's a thing you can throw it away too. It would be ideal if it's a thing, then you just take the piece of fear and say hop in the bin with it, and you're done with it. Unfortunately that's not the case, so you do it and that does make it a bit easier. Because if you're afraid, come on and get rid of it, come on and get rid of your own name. How many places would you have to change that? And then I'm sure all your friends will still give you your old name in a year. That won't work. It's not a thing unfortunately. You do it, but if you do it, then you don't always do it. In the case of flying, fear of flying, someone doesn't get on the aeroplane. Why not? Then they know for sure: hey, I stay with both feet on the ground. And if that person stays with both feet on the ground, then that gives that person safety. And safety is much more important, is a bigger advantage than for example taking a trip to Bali, Japan or Canada or Spain. And that bigger advantage, that comes from the unconscious. Because the unconscious just says yes, that's nice, conscious brain, that you want to go flying. But us as the unconscious, we think it's much more important that you're safe. So yes, if you go flying, then you're unsafe. Then you put yourself in an unsafe situation. We don't want that. So hop, put the brakes on. And this example is of course easy, it's clear. Let me give you another example. There were once people on this planet who smoked. I still find it weird when I see it still happening, so that's why I'm speaking in the past tense. But people who smoked and then they were going to quit. They said that to friends ten times in a year. And then you say to those people: 'you were going to quit weren't you? Yes, I know, but it didn't work out.' But anyway, at the moment someone does quit smoking. Smoking also provides something, because otherwise people would massively, as soon as they read 'okay, it's going to kill you, quite quickly, your quality of life is worse, you stink, you pay too much money, well, all sorts of reasons, then people would massively be able to put their cigarettes beside them or throw them in the bin and never buy them again. But no, there's also an advantage underneath, a really big advantage. So what happens when people really quit smoking with a lot of willpower, when they really say okay, I'm done with it and they've stopped for 24 hours, then that unconscious already starts getting very restless. Because at first that smoking provided something. And if you then stop smoking, then what it provides, yes, that stops being fulfilled. So that unconscious starts with those 200,000 little figures who start shouting. But the people who then really stick with it for a long time, who have stopped smoking for 48 hours and that unconscious can't be held back anymore. So what happens then in 7 out of 10 cases? People who quit smoking, they start eating sweets, eating themselves completely full. And at first smoking provided that thing, but when smoking went away and now eating sweets fulfils that thing. But what happens when people eat sweets and unhealthy food? They get heavier. And what happens when you gain 5 kilos? Then you need to buy new clothes. Or maybe you already have it in the wardrobe because you're already a yo-yo dieter. But yes, you do need to switch to clothes that still fit. But people think when they've gained 5 kilos yes, but I haven't stopped smoking long enough yet. I'll keep doing this a bit longer and the dieting comes later. Okay, and then suddenly they've stopped smoking long enough. Then they've gained 2 clothing sizes, 9 to 10 kilos. Then they look in the mirror. Okay, that's enough now and then there's a new focus. These are often the black-and-white thinkers who do it this way. There are quite a few of them, who say hey, I've eaten enough sweets now. I've stopped smoking long enough now. I'm completely done with it. I want to fit back into my old clothes or summer's coming or there's a wedding or whatever. So they eat completely healthy. That becomes a new focus, healthy eating. But at first those needs were fulfilled by smoking, then by eating sweets and suddenly that's gone. Then there's something like stress or chaos or sadness in their life. And what happens? They start smoking again, because those needs just need to be fulfilled. Those needs, that's what it's all about. Your behaviour right now too. So you show behaviour B, but you want to show behaviour A, but you show behaviour B because B also fulfils certain needs. And as soon as you know what those needs are and you start fulfilling them in a better way than by eating sweets or smoking or doing other unhealthy things, then your behaviour will change more easily. And that's where the gold is for you of course. Very simple, when people quit smoking and they don't eat sweets, because you do have some of those, then they might do excessive exercise instead, from 3 times a week at the gym where they chat nicely and stand outside smoking and move around a bit, they suddenly start exercising really hard 5 times a week. Really hard. Yes, they get injured after 6 weeks. At first those underlying needs, at first smoking fulfilled those needs underneath, then excessive exercise did. Well, the exercise stops, they go back to smoking too. So it's important that you first investigate those needs. What are they? We'll get to that, but so that you fulfil them in a healthy way. Look, when people sit in my chair, in hypnosis, then I literally just ask your unconscious 'hey unconscious, find new ways that give you the same thing as that old behaviour of yours does'. And then you just unconsciously find 3 or 10 or 20 new ways. Then you get out of the chair and it's done. But you can do this process yourself fortunately. If you don't feel like it or it doesn't work, just send me a message, then we can tackle it together. Okay, your behaviour. You're displaying behavior that you don't want to display, and you want to display behavior that you do want to display. That behavior you don't want to show, write it all down first. Because at the moment this only happens in your head, nothing's going to change anyway, because you can think about it all you want. And then you think about a hook and you think, maybe this is nice, but just write it down. So grab pen and paper and write down all the behavior you don't want to display and next to it write down all the behavior you do want to display. Make a list, pause for a moment, come back to it later when you're in the car. When you're in the car. You can also pause this and use an app like Brain Tos to just speak it out. So all the behavior you don't want to display, all the behavior you do want to display. Then, then you go through each behavior of yours that you don't want to display and look at what it brings you. And that's of course a bit of searching, because you don't know exactly. But what can really help you is asking the question: okay, when you display that behavior you don't want to display, what do you do then? So let's say you say okay, from now on I'm going to exercise three times a week and it's Tuesday at the end of the day and you think yeah, I'm way too tired, I'm not going to exercise. What do you do at that moment? Do you scroll? Do you Netflix? Do you lie on the couch with your eyes closed? Do you call a friend? Do you eat sweets? It doesn't matter what it is, just be honest, but write it down. So you have behavior you want to display, but you don't do it the moment you think about displaying that behavior, what behavior do you display instead? So you want to exercise, you don't do it, you lie on the couch. Okay, what does lying on the couch give you in a positive sense? Well, if I lie on the couch, then I come to rest. Then my mind goes quiet for a moment. Okay, so quieting your mind is apparently important for you to fulfill. Okay, if I'm lying on the couch, then my eyes close and I fall asleep. Okay, sleep stands for rest, so maybe you need more rest, but sleeping can also be a way to escape the reality you're in for a moment. So it could be that the life you're living right now, that's probably true, because you want to display different behavior that leads to different actions and different results. So you want a different life. But it could be that you want to escape the reality for a moment because it rubs your nose in the fact that you're just not happy with the life you have now. If that's the case, that's completely okay, it's just information. It could be that when you say okay, I want to exercise and you don't do it and you eat sweets instead. Okay, what feeling do you get from eating sweets? Well yeah, dopamine hits. When you eat sugar, you get energy from it. So you're tired, you want energy. Eating often also gives a kind of comfort. It could be that you want to comfort yourself. It doesn't matter, but make these lists. It takes a bit of time. What behavior do you want to display? What behavior do you display the moment you don't do the behavior you want to display? And then with the behavior you do display, explore what positive things it brings you? Pay attention, really only write down all the positive things. We understand the negative things already, because you don't want to display that behavior, but you don't need to remind yourself of that, because that doesn't help you now. So write down, what does it bring you in a positive sense? What can you come up with and dig as deep as possible into what it brings you in a positive sense? Well, the moment you have a list with behavior you want to display, the behavior you display, which you actually don't want to display as a result of the behavior you want to display, what it brings you, then you have a list with things it brings you. The only thing you need to do is make sure that what that, let me call it, negative behavior brings you. The only thing you need to do is fulfill that behavior or the results, the things it brings you in other ways. So it turns out that you maybe do need a bit more comfort, arrange that for yourself. Or be extra kind to yourself, figure out what a healthy way is for you, or get it from a partner or friend. Simple. Do you need more energy? Okay, find a way you can get more energy that's healthy for you. So yes, you can eat sugars and then you feel energy for a short moment and then you feel a dip again, you need sugar or coffee again. And then you get into that cycle. Okay, just show yourself what happens if in such a moment you go for a walk outside or if you actually exercise. Then you just make the decision. Okay, I notice that I'm not exercising right now. I notice that I have the urge to seek comfort eating, to eat energy. Okay, what if I do exercise? Hey, exercising gives me energy. Then your brain will link those together. And eventually you'll want to exercise, because that's how it works. So once more from the beginning. You have behavior you want to display. The moment you want to display this behavior, but you don't do it, then you display different behavior. That other behavior brings you positive things. Those positive things it brings you, figure them out well in yourself, if necessary talk about it with a friend. You need to fulfill that in other ways in your life. The moment you find those other ways, healthy ways, good ways to fulfill that, you'll automatically notice that you display more of the behavior you do want to display. And is this too difficult? Your brain thinks: wow, this is a lot of work, I'm not doing this. Well, then hypnosis is really quite simple, because in hypnosis I simply ask your unconscious to find those new ways that bring the same benefits as that behavior of yours does, the behavior you don't want to display. I always call it old behavior. And the moment that's fulfilled, then you don't need to display that old behavior anymore and you can perfectly display your new behavior. Because those needs that underlie that old behavior, they're already automatically fulfilled by your brain. Super simple. But this is also the only reason why you're not doing what you would actually want to do, because there are other hidden benefits to it. There are other needs underneath. You might not like those. You might think it's stupid and annoying about yourself, but it's the truth. And from the truth, without judgment of yourself, really without judgment, it's just okay, yes, I'm displaying this behavior. Write it down at the end of the day. What behavior have I displayed? Well yeah, this behavior, I actually don't want that. Okay, what's underneath it? So the moment you display that behavior, what does it bring you in a positive sense? And just be really really honest, because write it down for yourself. Nobody needs to know, but the moment you know what it brings you and you fulfill that in a different way. That's it. Super simple and then you'll just be able to display the behavior you want to display. Just go do it. Make those lists. It's valuable anyway just to write down what behavior you want to display. Because the moment you start displaying behavior you want to display, the result is that your life will change in the direction of how you want your life to be. And like I said, that's what I wish for you. I hope of course that things go well with you. I hope things go well with your loved ones and I wish you a beautiful day. Bye! --- This transcript has been translated from Dutch.