Feeling vs Focus - Why Your Emotions Often Don't Matter

Welcome to the Paulvette podcast. I'm not going to talk about how things should be done, but mainly about who you need to be. I challenge you to become the owner of your true identity. Time for your breakthrough and enjoyment in your business. Your feeling is 9 out of 10 times not important at all. Yesterday my wife asked me: 'How are you actually feeling, honey?' The reason she asked that is my wife was sick yesterday, my son was sick yesterday, so that meant I had to do twice as much. I had to keep my business running, had to do everything for that, but I also had to do everything at home. I had to take care of my wife and my son. So there was just a lot to do. So she asked me how are you actually feeling, honey? And I said it doesn't matter. Not to push her away, not at all. Also not because my feeling never matters, that's certainly not the case. But in that moment, that wasn't an important pillar at all in what was needed yesterday. Look, I'm always the man who says feeling is extremely important. The problem is, if you can't be with your feeling and you can't listen to your feeling and you can't share your feeling either, then you miss the deep experience of life. If you run a business and you don't feel anything about it, then you can't enjoy it either. Then you can't feel the drive or the passion either. That's such a waste. Besides, when you don't know what your feeling is, it's also very difficult to determine your true own path. Feeling isn't there for nothing. Emotions are actually layer 2 of your identity, layer 1 your unconscious, layer 2 emotions. So it is definitely important, but very often not. Because on a day, when you feel tired and things need to be done, then you just have to do those things. When you feel 'hey, I feel tired' and you've agreed to go train, then you just go train. Same thing when you feel tired or insecure and you have to execute something for your business, then you just have to do it. Feeling is not at all the number 1 pillar to listen to, almost never. Sometimes yes, when you check in with yourself to feel am I on the right path, what do I feel about this person, what do I feel about this relationship, business partner or just a partner or whatever kind of relationship you have with someone. Feeling is important then, but then you consciously choose to use your feeling to go toward that. Also when you're managing your team at the moment something happens on the work floor. Like my own bar, simple example in the middle of the evening, prime time, bar completely full and generating revenue. That's obviously the most important thing at that moment. Just generate revenue, make the guests have a good time, generate revenue, pour drinks. I was also 9 out of 10 times the DJ in my own bar, so for me the goal was to keep the party going. So it had to stay a great party, while there were also moments in the music when orders were placed. Because if it's just 2 hours of jumping and partying, then not much gets ordered. Yeah, I didn't have a bar for that of course. Well, to give guests a nice evening, but of course also to make money myself. But in such a moment, things happen that didn't go perfectly. If I would then say okay guys, everyone stop, music off. Hey Frits behind the bar, that beer doesn't have two fingers of foam, that needs to be different. That doesn't work, right. And that often happens when people directly listen to their feeling and actually use the feeling. That doesn't work at all. In whatever scenario you're in when you're guiding a team to get the best out of the team at the moment you see something happening and your feeling comes up, anger for example. Expressing that anger at that moment has 99 out of 100 times no use, works counterproductively. When does it have use? At the moment when you see things happening that you know this is not the agreement, this is not how it should go and my team needs a fist on the table. Only at that moment when you realize that and when you determine that. Okay, now my team needs a fist on the table. They don't always need that. Also not when you feel angry about something. That doesn't mean that there always has to be a fist on the table in the next team meeting. Not at all. Sometimes yes. And then you can perfectly recall that feeling from that moment. And then you use that anger to say, now it's over. Then that fist on the table combined with a feeling of anger or frustration. Then it's intentional and super relevant, super helpful. But otherwise feeling often doesn't matter. Just like yesterday my feeling didn't matter. Not that it was bad or that things weren't going well with me. Of course I was a bit more tired, because I just had to do much more in a whole day. After a number of bad nights already because our son is sick. Yeah, then that's just how it is for a bit. But then it doesn't matter at all. And my wife actually really likes that, because then I'm not affected by a feeling of well, I do experience some stress because things just had to be done yesterday. Also had to be finished yesterday. Yeah, that meant I was working until later. I think last night it was twenty-three:zero. And normally honestly I'm nicely in my bed at twenty-two:thirty together with my wife. Yeah, I like that. And that's also good for my health because then, our son always comes quite early in the morning, at least I can get toward 8 hours of sleep again. But yeah, if that's not possible for a bit, then that doesn't matter. And so the question is, because what was also triggered here by my wife, is she asked how are you actually feeling, honey? And I have an agreement with myself, I think feeling is important, I'm also in contact with feeling and I express my feeling. Those are all rules I have in my head. At that moment I was invited, actually somewhat manipulated you could even say, or backed into a corner to start talking about my feeling. But at the moment if I would completely sink into that, do you think that was helpful for the whole situation? No not at all. So the question to you is how often are you backed into a corner to engage with something? While that's not at all relevant at that moment. Because this doesn't just apply to feeling, this applies to all kinds of things that trigger you. So there are people you meet and they're going to ask you things about your life, about your business. And then about your business you tell something and then they specifically go into something in the business. While your attention might not be there at all. At that moment you need your focus on something else. But the moment you start talking about what they're asking about, then that becomes something big in your head. Then that comes on top of mind. Try to get the focus on the other thing again. For me that's very important. I pull mini sprints. Jump into this, writing my book, a little sprint in this. Okay, then I'm busy with that. Okay, boom, next branch of my business. Then I'm busy with that. If someone then starts about my book and I go along with it, I go completely into it, then I miss the focus I need at that moment. What I determined beforehand. Okay, these days I have the focus on this branch of the business. If I then let myself be tempted to completely dive into the book story again, then I miss the focus for the other. For what I have chosen then. Okay, this is the one thing I have to do now, today or these days. And the question to you is how often are you not tempted by friends, family, your partner, social media, books, podcasts. To just have your focus on something else. Because there's just too much that tempts you to talk about other things. And the moment you start thinking about that, then that's noise for what you have to do. The best answer is often just, when people ask about it, hey great that you're asking, I'm working on it, but currently I'm working on this. And writing a book, I'll continue with that next Thursday. But it's going well, it's going great. Sometimes a bit less, but that'll be fine. Thursday then we'll take steps again. Just short answer. And you feel hopefully from my energy that I also kind of keep it here in my head. I don't go to my feeling then at that moment, because then it becomes deeper, then it becomes more real and that doesn't work. You need focus and you have to guard that focus yourself. In your head, in the choices you make. Try for yourself each week to really focus on 'okay this day, this moment I'm working on this'. Don't let yourself be distracted once by everything and everyone around you, but focus on what you have to do. I guarantee you when you do that for a number of weeks, you also get better at it. It also becomes easier for you. Or it also becomes easier for you to keep that focus. In terms of energy with you. So you will, and this might be a bit airy-fairy, but you will notice that at the moment you're completely invested in something, then you feel that through your whole body. And at the moment there's a small distraction coming, because you can't completely eliminate that. And of course you can when you do monk weeks and whatnot and when you do your deep work in the morning, but I'm talking about the rest of the day. You will then notice when that comes into your head, that it just stays hanging a bit up here. Because you feel with my whole being with my whole self I'm now working on this. And then it's more like such a fly that you can just brush away a bit instead of it actually having impact on you and just distracting you again. You will notice that it becomes increasingly easier to just keep it very light and airy, those distractions, so that it also just has no influence on you anymore. The question to you is what focus do you need now? What focus do you write down for each day? And that can be a different focus each day, but write it down and train with it. I know 100 percent sure that it saves you a lot, because you know when you work focused on something, what do you achieve then? A lot, really a lot. Then you really achieve what you want, the impact you want to make, the business you want to build and the life you want to create. Your growth is further ignited. Ready to take full ownership? Then check the link in the show notes. --- This transcript has been translated from Dutch.