Your Partner Doesn't Hurt You: Taking Ownership in Relationships

In this episode, I'm telling you how to deal with issues in your relationship. Specifically, about the fact that you feel like you're being hurt by your partner, or that your partner thinks you're hurting them. So, I've sat down comfortably on the couch with a cup of coffee. It's evening, so decaf. And it's been a long time since I've recorded a podcast this way, but now it's urgent. This topic has come up so often in recent weeks in sessions I have with clients or conversations I have with people. And in relationships, this really causes extreme issues. What happens is the discussions that arise in a relationship because one person says to the other: you're hurting me, you're causing me pain, because you're abandoning me. You make me feel unloved. You make me feel not beautiful or handsome. You make me feel like I'm just a handyman. Those kinds of things. It goes both ways. But those accusations you make toward your partner of hey, you're making me feel this way. And I'll get to whether that's true or not, but I want to explain something to you first. And I've explained this before, but I really want to make it clear to you because it helps you a lot in your relationship and in many other situations too. You cannot be hurt by another person. You cannot be hurt by me, but another person cannot hurt you either. And how does that work? Well, a simple example is if I say to you: 'Hey, stupid power strip,' then you probably have to laugh. Because you think: I'm not a power strip at all. Or I'm not stupid at all. You don't believe it. There's a very good chance that nothing goes off in your head. That there's no story you tell yourself that matches or connects to the story I'm telling you. Namely, that you're a stupid power strip. But if I now say to you: hey, you're a bad son or daughter? Or you're a bad dad or mom. Or you don't deserve to have friends because you behave in such and such a way. The moment I say that to you, there's a very good chance that deep down, something gets triggered in you. Because let's be honest, we all fall short sometimes in a friendship or in the relationship with your parents or with your children or with friends. And that falling short is also just an opinion. So I don't necessarily want to put a label on it. But the point is that you probably deep down inside have told yourself a story at some point where that's true. So if I say to you: 'Hey, I think you're falling short as a dad or as a son or as a mom or as a daughter or as a friend,' and you believe that somewhere deep down, then that affects you. But that's not because I say certain words. That's because you believe that story yourself. Just like you don't believe you're a stupid power strip. So you don't believe that, it doesn't affect you. You might believe that other thing deep down. Even if it's just a little bit, that affects you. And so that's super helpful to stand like that in your relationship. Namely, if the other person - and I'll come back to a disclaimer in a moment, because there's also really a spiritual pitfall in this. Which is a very important point that I don't want you to fall into. But the thing is, when you have a certain feeling, even though your partner does or doesn't do something, and you get that feeling as a result, you yourself are feeling that feeling. You're doing the feeling. Your partner isn't doing it. They might trigger something in you, but then probably the story you believe yourself. And this is already a very helpful situation. Because the moment you now hear from your partner that you're hurting your partner for some reason, or your partner is hurting you for some reason and you have that idea, then you can both say from now on: no wait, I'm being touched. It's a story I believe myself. And you can do 2 things with that. Thing 1 you can do with it is look at okay, is that story I'm telling myself true? Is that story correct? If it's not true, then hopefully the emotion is immediately gone too. But if it is true, then you can resolve that within yourself. Then you can look at okay, but what's behind that? And how can I make sure I don't feel that way anymore in such a situation? Then you have step 2. You can also say, or that's step 2, step 1 is resolving it within yourself. Yeah, no, I've lost my train of thought. Normally I write these kinds of things down. Now I'm doing it from memory, and as I said, that's been a while. So step 1 is you consult yourself and investigate what affects you. Step 2 is if you say yes, this affects me, because let me give a simple example. Suppose you, during the week every Tuesday, you have a really long day at work, for your business, wherever. You're just really busy for a long time and your partner left home earlier. And you stayed home and did some extra cleaning. Then you had that whole long day. Then you came home and your partner wasn't home yet, they were stuck in traffic. So you did your best to also cook to have everything ready when your partner comes home. And your partner comes home and sees you're cooking. But meanwhile your partner also sees that the kitchen has kind of exploded and gotten dirty. And your partner says to you: Yeah Jesus, the kitchen was clean this morning and now it's a mess. While you've been doing your absolute best all day for your partner. Well, at that moment I can imagine you lose it. Yeah goddammit, I've been here all day doing everything for you, for my work. I cleaned this and this and this. You don't see that either. I'm cooking now, which we were supposed to do together. But because you're later, I'm doing it alone. And now there's a bit of extra stuff in the kitchen. Jesus. Well, you could completely go off like that, of course. And maybe you have a point that your partner only mentions what's not good and completely steps over everything else. At such a moment, I can imagine there's a story going off in your head that says: I'm not being seen. Everything I do is just taken for granted. He or she doesn't love me. Those are all stories that can go off in your head. It's probably all not true, but that's beside the point. You could make this discussable with your partner and say: hey, when you come home late in the evening and you're tired and I'm doing something for us and it's a bit dirty. Could you say that in a different way or simply just help out? So step 1 is consult yourself about what affects you. Step 2 is make it discussable in the relationship. And also say honestly like hey, I notice this affects me. I don't think it's very nice. It doesn't feel very nice to me, because I did this and this and this. And you come in and you only mention that the kitchen has exploded in terms of dishes and that it's just very dirty. And when you do it that way and explain it like that, yeah, then a much nicer conversation emerges. So there's a whole spiritual pitfall in this whole thing. Namely, it could be that you suddenly have a partner or would do this yourself who starts saying: yeah, but you're being affected. That's completely within you. So suppose your partner comes home and mentions that like yeah, the kitchen has exploded. And you start steaming with anger because you've worked so hard that day. And you say then: 'Hey this affects me, because I've been doing this and this and this all day and I notice that it makes me feel unloved. That it makes me feel like I'm just a drudge. That I'm doing this and this and this.' And the other person then says: yeah, but it's your feeling. You believe this story. That's yours. I'll leave you so you can resolve it. Well, you shouldn't do that at all. You should never fall for that. Because 100 percent, I agree that when you're affected or when I'm affected, when anyone, your partner is affected, it's useful to consult yourself to check like hey, what's being affected? And how can I resolve that within myself? But love is unconditional. A relationship isn't. Within a relationship, you can perfectly well set demands. You can say in the relationship I wish that we treat each other this way. And that might sound strange and the word demands also sounds harsh. But it's your life. Just as much as for your partner. And you can both choose like hey, I do demand this. Now of course it's also true that in a relationship you're dealing with living together, living together, building a future together. And then there are just certain things you better do and not do. Simple as one of you or both of you have the feeling that you're not loved enough by the other. Then a very useful thing to check is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. That's a whole book, but you can also just search for an article online. I think there's also an article about it on my website where the 5 Love Languages are explained. One person simply has more need for hugs and the other has more need for gifts, for example. And if you give the person who has a great need for hugs only gifts? Then that person won't feel loved. While the giver of the gifts thinks: 'Yeah, but I give you so many gifts to show how much I love you.' That works crookedly, so please look that up. I won't go into that extensively during this episode. But very important is 1. You cannot be hurt by another person. That's within yourself. And 2. When you do feel, hey I feel hurt by something someone else does or doesn't do. Then you can consult yourself. But then especially make it discussable with your partner. But then don't say you're doing this to me. No, I feel affected. I notice this and this and this within myself and then you can look at it together. Why together? It's not you against the other person. It's the two of you together against the problem. Because at the moment - I'm assuming that if you're in a relationship, you love each other. And at the moment when you love each other and one person is hurt by something that happens in the relationship. Then it's useful to look at it together and also to ensure together that it gets resolved. You don't do that against each other. It's not you against the other person. That's super important. I really want to give you this, so think about it when you feel hurt - yeah shit, that's within me. And share this with your partner too. Because if your partner feels hurt, then you can also explain hey, that's within you. But that's not a free pass to just leave it with the other person and let them stew in their own juice. No, because you do it together. You have a relationship together. Those expectations are also useful to write down. What do you wish for yourself in a relationship and what do you wish from your partner in a relationship? Especially write down what you do wish for and especially not what you don't wish for. Or maybe let that be just 5 percent. Like I find it very nice that my partner doesn't smoke and that was also quite a hard requirement when we once started dating. She didn't do that either, but that's beside the point. But that sort of thing, things she doesn't do, you can write those down. But mainly look at what you do wish for. I think this is sufficient for now and that you can get started with this. If you have questions about this, then let me know - hypnomaster dot nl on Instagram and Facebook or Paulvet on LinkedIn. Do add me. I hope of course that you're doing well. And I also hope things are going well with your loved ones. And if you find this very valuable for yourself, for your partner of course, or maybe for other people around you where you notice this kind of stuff happens in their relationship. This would be helpful for them, then definitely share it. You'll help those people with that and me of course too. Well good, I enjoyed being able to talk to you again in this way. And I plan to get behind the microphone more often in the coming time for podcast episodes and not just for videos on YouTube. So now you know that. Nothing left for me but to wish you a very nice day or evening and very nice life. Bye. --- This transcript has been translated from Dutch.